Day #38 – Separate the Person from the Mistake

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365 Ways to Start Over: Day #38 – Separate the Person from the Mistake

Let’s start with a story. Elizabeth is a loving and kind person who has become guarded when it comes to love relationships. Her marriage was riddled with emotional neglect and hurt that left her feeling isolated and alone. She very much wants to be in a loving relationship but is conscious of the barrier she has built around her heart. She has dated several men since the divorce and has found that when she opened the tenderness of her heart, it was again singed with pain. As time has gone on she has noticed that she meets nice men but ultimately finds reasons why they are not right for her, leaving her feeling as if she will never find a fulfilling relationship – a terribly dismal place to exist.

Elizabeth’s story of a woman seeking love can be translated into many different scenarios: men seeking love; girls seeking friends, office mates seeking alignment from colleagues; neighbors seeking friendships; business people trying to sell a product. The problem boils down to the fact that we build barriers around our sensitivity in order to protect us from the pain of feeling abandoned. The problem with this is that we end up shutting off our valve of sensitivity to other people and aspects of our lives. Ultimately the more comfortable we become with pushing people away, the more we do it which takes us even farther away from our ultimate goal of finding intimacy, better friendships, better consensus from our colleagues, or more business.

If you are determined to open your heart or break down barriers of the past and you are skeptical about a new person in your life, be sure to evaluate whether you are dealing with a problem with the person or a mistake they have made. Make sure to separate the person from the mistake. Most people are coachable. If this is a personal relationship and they care about you they will want to hear your perspective and adjust their behavior to accommodate you. In this instance, don’t envision the mistake as a character flaw in the person (unless the mistake is egregious enough that it is part of their character). If they don’t care about you, they will not be compromising. In this instance the problem could be the person. Hear what they are saying and adjust your own behavior in a more fulfilling direction.

At work if you are having difficulty with a colleague and you demonstrate compassion to their needs and find that they are willing to work together for a common goal then to do so will fulfill you. The difficulty may have just been a misunderstanding or a mistake. If they demonstrate that they are not willing to work with you, then working with them may continue to be a challenge. The problem may be the person. Detach from them emotionally and do not expect to win their favor. Your goal is to work with them to meet both of your objectives. They don’t need to be your friend.

Early after Elizabeth’s divorce she may have been opening her heart too easily to people which is understandable since divorce leaves people feeling rejected and in need of affirmation. Then she built up a protective wall and is having difficulty trusting her feelings because she isn’t sure how to separate a man’s character from a mistake or a misunderstanding. Separate the person form the mistake. Ask yourself which is the issue. Start now!

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Mary Lee Gannon is the president of Gannon Group – an executive coaching and consulting firm that produces higher individual and organizational performance through Executive Leadership Coaching, Organizational Development, Board Retreats, Visioning, and Planning. Mary Lee’s personal turnaround came as a stay-at-home mother, with four children under seven-years-old, who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where within a short time she worked up to the level of CEO. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.

Day #37 – The Boundaries Are Yours to Draw – What is One Thing You Can Do Today?

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Day #37 – The Boundaries Are Yours to Draw – What is One Thing You Can Do Today?

People fear three things in life – death, pain and abandonment. Most emotional pain comes from the fear of being alone. Anger, resentment, frustration, being let down, and hurt all come from the worry of having no one on whom you can rely and trust. In an extreme case you sense as if the people you love have forsaken you. You may believe you have few, if any options, and have no way out. This paralyzes you from taking action that moves you forward.

There is no wonder why you feel trapped by the despair of these feelings – because to undo them relies on someone other than yourself to remedy your pain. And that is completely outside of your influence – even more frustrating.

As loving people we give love and receive love with a childlike openness and vulnerability that often is not reciprocated on our terms. Then when we experience hurt or are let down by someone we often shut off our ability to love because the pain associated with the risk of having our heart injured is too great. This results in an overall numbness to all emotions – even joy. Not healthy.

How do you take back the control of you own inner peace? Establish boundaries on your terms and no one else’s. When you give of yourself, give for the joy of giving with no expectation of anything in return for that is what it is to have an open heart. If giving that way brings you positive emotions such as joy, fulfillment and happiness then continuing to do so will generally further these emotions. If you find that giving of yourself brings you negative emotions such as disappointment, sorrow, resentment, and despair then you need to define a self preserving boundary and change your own behavior – not wait for someone else to change theirs in order for you to feel happy. You might consider changing your availability to that person, have an honest discussion about your feelings with them, or offer your energy in another direction until you see things more clearly. Basically you are defining the scope of what is healthy and not healthy for you. Awaiting someone else to meet your needs is not the answer. Your behavior will tell them what they need to do to gain your respect. If they don’t want your respect, you’ll know that by their reaction.

When you feel trapped in the head trash of your own negative emotions and feel as if there is no way to escape them define one simple thing that YOU can do today that will take you one step closer to peace. Just one thing. You might call a friend, update your resume, get expert advice, research something online. Then tomorrow take one more active step in a similar direction. This way you will start to take back ownership of your own destiny and not feel as if the boundary of your happiness is outside of your control. Start now!

Receive these 365 Ways to Start Over updates when they are released by clicking the “Sign me up!” button on the right of this page. Or subscibe to the RSS Feed on the “Posts” button on the top right of this page.

Get Mary Lee’s articles Change – Here’s How! and Values – How to Define Them and Live Fulfilled.

Follow Mary Lee Gannon on Facebook or on Twitter.

Mary Lee Gannon is the president of Gannon Group – an executive coaching and consulting firm that produces higher individual and organizational performance through Executive Leadership Coaching, Fundraising Coaching, Organizational Development, Board Retreats, Visioning, and Planning. Mary Lee’s personal turnaround came as a stay-at-home mother, with four children under seven-years-old, who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where within a short time she worked up to the level of CEO. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.