How is Doubt Serving You?

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executive coach, how to move on, I'm afraid and I don't know what to do, I'm stuck, Mary Lee Gannon, overcoming fear, Pittsburgh, starting over, starting over now

365 Ways to Get Results: Day #64 How is Doubt Serving You?

You have doubt. You doubt yourself. You doubt others. You doubt your future. You doubt your business. You doubt your team. You doubt your children. You doubt your parents. You doubt your relationship. You doubt the weather. You doubt a whole lot more than you count on. How tiring is that?

Doubt is the dance between belief and disbelief. It is rooted in fear that something you have experienced will happen again. Either way it is an emotional state of indecision that can serve as good caution or it can impede getting what you really want. Doubt may cause people to hesitate before acting, continually “play it safe,” and never “pull the trigger.” Additionally, it may build walls of guardedness, pensiveness and defeated confidence that result in lack of fulfillment or passive aggressive behavior.

The truth is that when you doubt you are not sure of something. This can give you time to reassess a situation and make an informed decision. But when you continue to doubt without making a decision does it make things any better or give resolution on the issue? Generally not. It just keeps you “stuck” waiting for the ax to drop for the worst possible outcome. And often that outcome becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So try something different. Act as if what you truly want is already happening. Trust in the best from everyone and in every situation. Scary huh? What if the thing you feared the most could not possibly happen? Imagine that. How would you behave is you absolutely knew the people close to you truly had your best interest at heart. What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? What business decisions would you make if your own internal voice and that of your experts could not be wrong? How would you conduct yourself in a relationship if you trusted that the other person absolutely loved you and wanted it to work as much as you do?

The point in all of this is that when you doubt – you make assumptions that are not reality. So allow for the best, behave as if everyone and everything had only good intentions and see what happens. When you do this you will behave differently. You will be accepting and open, not defensive or combative. You will be pleasant and kind, not holding back or negative. People will notice your change in behavior and two things will happen. They will either 1.) open up and behave differently too, or 2.) they will behave the same and you will see it differently now and make decisions accordingly. The good news is that you will move off the “stuck” position of doubt to openness to opportunity.

Replace the head trash of doubt with acceptance. Treat people and situations as if only the right thing for all concerned is already happening. Make decisions and lead as if no one is second guessing you or your team. And watch how people either change their behavior or you change your choices.

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Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com – Leading Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations. With more than 16 years of experience as a CEO of organizations with up to $26 million in assets, Mary Lee consults with businesses on strategy. She is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership Conference. Her personal urnaround came as a stay-at-home mother with four children under seven-years-old who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where she earned success to support her family. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation, Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting. Areas of Specialty: Strategic Planning / Board Development / Healthcare / Public Relations / Goal Setting / Meeting Facilitation / Training / Leadership / Time Management / Life/Career Transition. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.

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#64 – Sit on Your Ego

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dealing with difficult people, executive coach, let go if expectations, life coach, Mary Lee Gannon, Pittsburgh

365 Ways to Get Results – #64 Sit on Your Ego

Are there people you just can’t get along with? Have you ever felt that no matter what you do, things just won’t improve? Have your expectations arm wrestled your patience to the ground.

Here is a mantra that many of my clients post on their computer monitor, desk, kitchen and telephone to remind them of what to do when people and situations frustrate them:

Sit of your ego. Say nothing. Listen only. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can.) Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most.)

You can never get enough of the things you don’t need. Show people dignity and respect and the return will be palpable.

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Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com – Leading Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations. With more than 16 years of experience as a CEO of organizations with up to $26 million in assets, Mary Lee consults with businesses on strategy. She is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership Conference. Her personal urnaround came as a stay-at-home mother with four children under seven-years-old who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where she earned success to support her family. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation, Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting. Areas of Specialty: Strategic Planning / Board Development / Healthcare / Public Relations / Goal Setting / Meeting Facilitation / Training / Leadership / Time Management / Life/Career Transition. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.

Day #63: Visit Your Default Future

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anxiety, anxiousness, don't be afraid, don't be afraid, executive coach, executive coaching, Getting over fear, getting unstuck, how to get over fear, I can't stand being afraid any more, I'm stuck, life coach, Mary Lee Gannon, Pittsburgh

365 Ways to Get Results: Day #36 – Visit Your Default Future

What do you worry about? You know the picture. It has been running over and over in your mind since you started to worry about it. The detail is so vivid that at times it takes your breath away. Anxiety over it wakes you up at night. You perseverate on it in your mind or with your friends. Your heart races and you lose your breath when the threat of it is imminent.

So let’s bring this negative image into even clearer focus.

Put yourself right in the middle of the picture. Step into the storm. Use vibrant language to describe the scene. Experience the surroundings – not looking at yourself but facing the scene from behind your own eyes. What do you see? What does it smell like to be in this place? What does it feel like? Who is there? What do you taste? What sounds do you hear?

When you tangibly describe and allow yourself to undergo the worst case scenario of your fears, you will be more motivated to change what you can to eliminate the anxiety over it.

Embrace the experience of what it is like to be in the depths of your biggest worry. Sit with the pain of it for a moment. Allow it to penetrate your skin to your soul. Live the experience. Breathe it in. Exhale the dissatisfaction, hurt and disappointment.

What values do you have that you can apply to make a change in your behavior? What do you remember about yourself that can make a difference here?

Truly encompassing an imaginary experience of your biggest fear desensitizes you from it. We fear what we don’t know. We handle what we do know.

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Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com – Leading Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations. With more than 16 years of experience as a CEO of organizations with up to $26 million in assets, Mary Lee consults with businesses on strategy. She is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership Conference. Her personal urnaround came as a stay-at-home mother with four children under seven-years-old who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where she earned success to support her family. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation, Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting. Areas of Specialty: Strategic Planning / Board Development / Healthcare / Public Relations / Goal Setting / Meeting Facilitation / Training / Leadership / Time Management / Life/Career Transition. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.

Day #62: Avoid the “I’d be happy if only I could get more of…” Trap

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5 year plan, change, executive coaching, free coaching session, getting what you want out of life, Goal setting, Mary Lee Gannon, Pittsburgh, starting over

365 Ways to Get ResultS: Day #62 – If only I could get more of…(+ FREE Coaching Offer)

You want something in your life that you don’t have. What a surprise. And you think you know what it is. More time? More love? A better job? A better boss? A thinner body? A fatter wallet? Not only do you know what it is, you are certain that if you catch it like Willie Mays hauled in Vic Wertz’s drive at the warning track in 1954 your World Series ring will assure you a field of dreams come true. If only you could “get” what you want you would be happy. Right? Has it worked yet?

Instead of simply focusing on what you think you want, go one step further and ask yourself “what does (more love…money…thin?) – mean? In this line of reasoning lies a values based answer instead of a superficial proposition that is insatiable. When you ask yourself,” What will this change in my life – what does it mean?” you are focusing on values. Values, not “Get Lists” bring fulfillment.

What will having more time change your life? A greater ability to focus on the things that really matter to you? What are those things? Family? Travel? A loved one? A new business? A better balanced life? Playing an instrument? Art? These are values. Time is not a value.

What will more love mean? Is it that love from another makes you feel better about yourself? Who defines how you feel about yourself? Or does feeling more love come from giving more love? What do you really want to work on?

What will it mean to get a better job? Better challenge? Better ability to learn? Better ability to try new things? Work that is purposeful? What is purposeful to you? These are values.

What will being thinner mean? More attention? What does more attention mean? Feeling better about yourself? What would make you feel better about yourself? Better health? Better diet? Being able to be more active? Values.

What will having more money mean? Security? What does security mean to you? Not having to worry that you won’t have enough money to take care of yourself or your family? Is the value family? What does the family value? What is enough?

If what makes you happy includes “Get” items you will always be working from a “Get List.” Toss the “Get List” over the center field wall and replace it with values activities whereby your emotions will breathe a sigh of relief while giving you a standing ovation. Batter up!

FREE Coachng Session Offer:

You never thought it would happen but here you are – not sure of what to do next and the parylization has cost you time, money, love, personal satisfaction and freedom. You are afraid. You are rejected. You are hurting. You feel helpless, disappointed and inept. You are ready to move forward in your personal life or business but doubt and indecision keep calling you back. Now is the time to decide that your happiness has been on the back burner long enough.

If you are not 100% satisfied by the life you are leading or the success of your business or the richness of your relationships…then you OWE IT to yourself to email Mary Lee now for a FREE 30 minute coaching session on how to change course at marylee@startingovernow.com or by going to www.startingovernow.com/Contact_Us.html. Just mention “Free coaching session” in the subject line.

Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com – Leading Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations. With more than 16 years of experience as a CEO of organizations with up to $26 million in assets, Mary Lee consults with businesses on strategy. She is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership Conference. Her personal urnaround came as a stay-at-home mother with four children under seven-years-old who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where she earned success to support her family. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation, Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting. Areas of Specialty: Strategic Planning / Board Development / Healthcare / Public Relations / Goal Setting / Meeting Facilitation / Training / Leadership / Time Management / Life/Career Transition. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.

#61: Slay the Stress Dragon in the Moment

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business coaching, executive coaching, how to eliminate stress, letting go of stress, Mary Lee Gannon, Pittsburgh, slay the stress dragon, stress in the workplace, stress management, the effects of stress

365 Ways to Get Results: #61 Slay the Stress Dragon in the Moment

You worry. You feel guilt. You blame. You agonize. You complain. All of these emotions conjure up stress regarding things you cannot control. But you know this. Yet you still stress over them. And worse yet, you lash out, withdraw or behave in a way that does not move you closer to your goals, costing you respect, relationships and peace.

Stress is the emotional and physical way we respond to pressure. It’s the body’s way of reacting to a challenge and preparing to meet a confrontation. It’s the mind’s way of saying, “Hey, I have space in my head that I could devote to productive behavior but I’d rather allow worry to take up squatter rights instead.”

Why do we do this? Because it’s habit and familiar – because making a lightning-fast judgment about something whether it is rational or not is easier than doing something we are not comfortable doing – creating a new habit.

At a minimum, stress can be caused by perceptions, thoughts, beliefs, emotion, life orientation, values, societal pressure, psychiatric health, and a variety of facets of culture. Stress costs people their health, happiness, and their productivity. It costs organizations clarity of vision, focus on high performance and a sustainable culture in the face of change.

Certain tactics are effective at relieving stress like exercise, activities and other distractions. But addressing the trigger of the stress head on in a rational, not judgmentally irrational way will best equip you to eliminate it.

Slay the Stress Dragon in the Moment

1. Write down the statement that plays over and over like a broken record in your head in your most judgmental voice. ‘Should’ statements are encouraged. “I should be in a better job.” “She should be more supportive.” “I should be happier.” “I shouldn’t be treated this way.” “I should not be where I am.” “They should value my performance more.”

Judgment statement: ____________________________________________________

2. Write words that describe how you “feel” about statement #1. “Hopeless,” “alone,” “angry,” “fearful,” “disappointed,” “depressed,” “frustrated.”

Makes me feel: ___________________________________________________

3. Write words that describe how you “behave” when you feel that way. “Cry,” “Listless,” “irrational,” “short tempered,” “withdrawn.” (Of course behaving this way brings on more stress.)

Then I behave: ____________________________________________________

4. Reverse the statement in #1 (“should” to “shouldn’t” or shouldn’t” to “should”). Precede it with “At this moment…” and follow it with a “because…” statement.

Reverse Statement: At this moment, _____________________________
because ____________________________________

5. Write words that describe how you “feel” about statement in #4. “Open,” “content,” “relieved,” “alive,” “compromising.”

Makes me feel: ___________________________________________________

6. Write words that describe how you “behave” when you feel this way. “Be nicer,” “be patient with myself and others,” “pause and respond instead of react,” “show love.”

Now I can: ____________________________________________________

7. How will you remember to ask yourself reverse “At this moment – because” statements?

It is difficult in the heat of a contemptuous moment or after a prolonged period of stressful perseveration to catch yourself and execute an exercise that will deliver peace and contentment. At that point a lightning storm is sending every available emotion in your head to the bunkers to take cover. So I tell my clients to place some sort of a reminder either on their desk, in their car, in their kitchen or somewhere they frequent to remind them that in order to hear sweet music in their heads, they need to be able to take out the broken message and put in a new one. That reminder could be on a Post-it note. It could be an image of a broken CD. It could be something from your past that signifies wisdom. One of my clients leaves a flashlight next to his computer monitor to remember to “put the light of reason on” when the darkness of stress takes over.

Don’t let stress take up space in your head. Slay it with reason. Start now!

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Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com – Leading Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations. With more than 16 years of experience as a CEO of organizations with up to $26 million in assets, Mary Lee consults with businesses on strategy. She is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership Conference. Her personal urnaround came as a stay-at-home mother with four children under seven-years-old who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where she earned success to support her family. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation, Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting. Areas of Specialty: Strategic Planning / Board Development / Healthcare / Public Relations / Goal Setting / Meeting Facilitation / Training / Leadership / Time Management / Life/Career Transition. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.

#60: Accept This Moment as It Is

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anger management, business coach, executive coach, executive leadership training, face you fears, life coach, managing anger, Mary Lee Gannon, Pittsburgh, step into your anger

365 Ways to Get Results: #60: Accept This Moment as It Is

Every moment we spend in judgment is a moment in which we are disconnected from compassion and appreciation. Accepting life as it IS is an art in itself. Accepting is not resisting, but flowing with it which sometimes takes courage.

What You Resist Persists

How true. Surely you notice that issues of concern and discord in your life continue to present themselves in the same way over and over again. The more you think about something in a certain way, the more you attract it. This is natural law.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. Most organized religions teach their followers to accept God’s will. There is a reason for that – it’s just plain foolish to believe that you can change things that are outside of your control. Yet we focus on them as if worry and anxiety will alter the outcome. Both are wasted sentiments. Life’s lessons will unfold before you if as the student you allow yourself to see past the circumstance that frustrates you and onto the opportunity that lies past it. This requires calmness and self-reflection. Life is more than solving self-created problems. How do you find time to ask the really important questions when you are focused on the small stuff?

To live in the moment you must master the art of letting go of anger – especially in a heated moment. Just be. This is a hard thing to do when a lighting of anger grips you in a flash and you feel hot and as if your nervous system is sounding sirens and flashing red lights that scream, “This isn’t fair!” The good news is that energy is palpable and your signal that it’s time to do something different. Don’t fight your anger, just observe it as it unfolds – like you watch waves rise and fall with the tide. Someone hurts you or challenges you and there is much lightening in that sky over the sea. You don’t understand it so you are afraid.

When anger is there, keep observing and listening to its sounds pierce the peace of your existence. Step into the fury of the storm as an observer not as the driver of it – don’t resist it in fear. The moment the observer enters the fury (not needing to control it), anger has already started becoming cool. You realize that the lightening may be flickering across the sky but you determine if it has heat or not. And at the moment you feel it is no longer hot, you have distanced yourself from the anger. You have let go of fear. It may be there but you feel unidentified with it. You are on a safe cliff high above where the lightning strikes the sea.

At this moment you understand that the heat is given by you; it is your identification that makes it hot, and the moment you feel it is not hot, the fear is gone, and you feel that a distance is created. In this distance lightning flashes around you, but you are not it. The identity has been broken, and the moment the identity breaks, immediately the whole hot process becomes cool. Here anger transforms into curiosity and compassion. You are neutral and much more effective.

When you are at peace in the moment there is no room for ego. Ego only brings with it hurt, hatred, jealousy and a myriad of negative emotions. The journey to accepting the moment takes practice and will be arduous. When the ego asserts itself, just observe. Don’t become angry. You are not anger. Be the observer of anger. Don’t react to the word or insult of another person, pause and respond from a point of freedom in the moment. That is grace. And it will bring you joy. Start now!

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em>Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com – Leading Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations. With more than 16 years of experience as a CEO of organizations with up to $26 million in assets, Mary Lee consults with businesses on strategy. She is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership Conference. Her personal urnaround came as a stay-at-home mother with four children under seven-years-old who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where she earned success to support her family. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation, Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting. Areas of Specialty: Strategic Planning / Board Development / Healthcare / Public Relations / Goal Setting / Meeting Facilitation / Training / Leadership / Time Management / Life/Career Transition. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.

#59: The Four Areas of Character – You Better Know Yourself

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board retreat, business planning, CEO advice, character, executive coach, how does character matter?, leadership development, management consulting, management retreat, Pittsburgh, What is good character? Mary Lee Gannon, what is my character?

365 Ways to Get Results: #59: The Four Areas of Character – You Better Know Yourself

Your ability to achieve success, be happy and feel fulfilled is entirely more likely when the attributes of your character are in alignment. Your character is composed of your beliefs, values, skills, and traits. Understanding how all of these align and how you choose to use them helps you be more effective and better understand yourself. This understanding becomes crucial in addressing a new challenge or when pursuing life change. Your character is your signature to humanity – your indelible fingerprint on your efforts, your family, your team and the world.

The Four Areas of Character – You Better Know Yourself

Attitudes are judgments that you hold to with steadfast intensity. They could be assumptions or convictions regarding concepts, politics, people, situations or things. They could be views about life, death, religion, what is good, what is bad, what is human nature, etc.

Values are ideals that you care about and pattern your life around. They are deeply rooted principles within the core of your being. You hold true to them unwaveringly as you hold true to your own name. These ideals define how you spend your time and make choices regarding the worth of people, concepts, or things. For example, you might value knowledge, faith, family, friendship. Values are important as they influence a person’s behavior to weigh the importance of alternatives. So you may believe that that one presidential candidate has a better chance of winning the election but you value a different candidate as your personal choice. Beliefs and values may change over time due to the influence of life experience, outside parties, education and outside influence.

Skills are the abilities and knowledge that you gain either through the study of information or life experience. The ability to learn a new skill varies with each individual’s ability, interest and resourcefulness.

Traits are distinguishing characteristics of a person personality. There are hundreds of personality traits many of which are inherent to good leaders: honesty, patience, integrity, tenacity, compassion. The more of these you have and display as a leader, the more your followers will believe and trust in you.

When you are in a situation where your instinct is telling you something is not right – most likely something in the list above is out of alignment. If your intuition is signaling that something is amiss, examine your Four Areas of Character and identify how the situation may have drawn you outside of your core character. Then target what choice you will make to realign yourself for fulfillment and watch what you can do. Start now!

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em>Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com – Leading Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations. With more than 16 years of experience as a CEO of organizations with up to $26 million in assets, Mary Lee consults with businesses on strategy. She is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership Conference. Her personal urnaround came as a stay-at-home mother with four children under seven-years-old who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where she earned success to support her family. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation, Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting. Areas of Specialty: Strategic Planning / Board Development / Healthcare / Public Relations / Goal Setting / Meeting Facilitation / Training / Leadership / Time Management / Life/Career Transition. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.

Day #58: Let Go of Expectations – “If only you would…”

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don't expect, executive coaching, how do I let go of expectations, letting go of expectations, Mary Lee Gannon, no more disappointments, Pittsburgh, starting over now, stop expecting

365 Ways to Get Results: Day #58: Let Go of Expectations – “If only you would…”

Expectations. We hold them unconsciously under wraps until they are unmet. When they bubble their discontented heads into reality they cause resistance – decentering us from our peace and productivity. We feel irritated by friends or co-workers who don’t align with our opinion. We suffer betrayal by family who make choices we don’t agree with? We experience frustration over colleagues who don’t respect boundaries? And then relationships unravel. Toxic for others and toxic for you.

Expectations are not needs. True needs are very few. Expectations are limitless imagined realities that provide a perceived sense of security. If we get what we expect then we will be happy. The problem is that imagined realities involve entities that are out of our control: other people, career transitions, financial demands, health concerns and much more. When expectations are high and unmet, people feel as if they are losing control and often become demanding or are labeled “perfectionists.”

The fear here is that lowering the bar of expectations will compromise happiness, self-worth, and lower other people’s opinions of you. That is fiction and couldn’t be more counterproductive. Research shows that perfectionism increases stress which reduces performance, makes you hard on yourself, and detaches you from personal relationships.

A lighthouse stands firmly anchored on the jetty and doesn’t expect the sea to rise and fall to its rhythm. The lighthouse warns of the perilous rocks but doesn’t blame the ship that cannot steer clear in the storm. Neither does it rage when the sea is calm and its use thereby nullified.

Expectations are an internal drive based on external standards. Expectations indicate your desire to control the path and opinions of others and what is outside of your control. So this “yearning” you feel is interpreted as “lacking” which leads you into the “victim mode.” When you are in this mode others sense your projection of your unhappiness on them and may feel threatened, condemned, cornered or as if they are not a priority to you because of your other focuses. You tell yourself, “If you were good at your job you would….” “If you loved me you would…” Then others disconnect from you, react defensively and are unsupportive – exactly what you don’t want. Or you feel as if you are always trying to prove that you are the best or perfect, allowing external drivers to qualify your worth and never fully experiencing fulfillment. Thus you feel more and more like an over-giving victim. Dreadful.

What if your goal was no longer to “keep up” or have others “measure up” but for you to “open up?” Get out of your head and return to your heart.

How to Let Go of Expectations

1. Let go of faulty assumptions. Success, love, fulfillment, and peace are not only defined in one way. Others need not agree with your definition of these. If these are defined in your head by what you think the standards are as set by others you will feel an insatiable gluttony in trying to meet them.

2. Put down the hoops. Holding up hoops for yourself or others to jump through in order to feel worthy, loved, and successful is exhausting. You will never be satisfied.

3. Define your standards on your own terms. Don’t disrespect your own good judgment and subordinate what you know to be reasonable. Define the standards of what you need to feel fulfilled, successful, and loved from behind your own eyes and not from the view of outside eyes looking at you. Don’t allow your unhappiness to be someone else’s fault or think they are responsible to make you happy.

4. Get out of your head and define your needs in your heart while nobody is watching. Sit quietly and ask yourself, “What is it for me to be ________? (Successful, a good parent, a good manager, a leader, loved.) Before you answer, imagine that you are behind your own eyes looking out – not looking at yourself. Allow only answers that begin with “I am” or “I feel” statements.

5. Be curious and assume the best. When it comes to yourself, ask yourself who you are trying to please. The standard should be set by your own value system. If someone lets you down, drop the expectation and listen for the specific fear that is precipitating their behavior. What is their value system? How is it threatened?

6. Recognize the consequences of not changing your perspective. What has being a perfectionist cost you? What relationships have been compromised from your expectations? Can you afford to keep doing it the same way?

Blessed is the person who knows his or her limits. Life is not a series of black and white choices. Allow the shades of gray to become vibrant with color as you turn “shoulds” and “musts” into open ended dialogue while assuming the best. Start now!

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Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com – Leading Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations. With more than 16 years of experience as a CEO of organizations with up to $26 million in assets, Mary Lee consults with businesses on strategy. She is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership Conference. Her personal urnaround came as a stay-at-home mother with four children under seven-years-old who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where she earned success to support her family. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation, Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting. Areas of Specialty: Strategic Planning / Board Development / Healthcare / Public Relations / Goal Setting / Meeting Facilitation / Training / Leadership / Time Management / Life/Career Transition. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.

Day #57: Rid Your Fears Before It Costs You Dearly

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365 Ways to Get Results: Day #57- Rid Your Fears Before It Costs You Dearly

Fear. It cripples communication. It manipulates relationships. It halts progress. It stifles frank feedback. It turns otherwise kind and gentle people into angry souls. It impedes forward movement within organizations. It is the single greatest issue that keeps people from what they truly want – loving relationships, achievement, peace, a sense of belonging, financial success and a sense of purpose.

Fear is the reason otherwise intelligent individuals hear constructive criticism and feel threatened. Fear transforms well healed organizations into cultures that breed passive aggressiveness, bureaucracy, and cynicism. Fear prods people who want the richness of intimacy to detach in exchange for distanced mediocrity. It triggers people to hold onto ailments, a tired opinion, complaints and the past as opposed to letting go for new opportunities.

Most people fear three basic things in life: pain, death and abandonment. Most of the reactive bad behavior in the world is a result of the fear of abandonment. It manifests itself in a feeling of rejection and not fitting in. It reveals anger and detachment when control is lost. It is why some people enable others, stay in bad relationships, and reject change. Many times your fear is not reality.

To rid yourself of fears – start by understanding them before you react badly. Most fears are really an anxiety of a perceived fear. Comprehensively map out your fears (and the fears behind the fears.) Do you fear disappointing others? If you disappointed someone, how would they perceive you? Do you fear being overwhelmed? If you became overwhelmed what would happen next? Do you fear public speaking? What would happen if you gave a speech that people didn’t like?

Your fears will lose power by acknowledging them because then they no longer seem like an outside influence – but an internal part of you. And you will realize your fears are unlikely to occur anyway. They are just a protection mechanism – you manifesting anxiety to protect yourself from a perceived fear.

You can rationalize through fear issues by way of internal dialogue. Ask yourself, what is the actual chance that your fear will happen? What percentage of the time is that likely to occur? How likely is it that you will disappoint someone? What is the likelihood that you will give a bad speech if you are prepared? The percentage of likelihood is generally very low.

Discuss your realization with others. This will further imbed what you are learning in your mind.

Don’t let fear cripple your goals. Hold yourself accountable to a friend for your progress on your fears. Watch how it frees you to enjoy new opportunities. Start now!

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em>Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com – Leading Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations. With more than 16 years of experience as a CEO of organizations with up to $26 million in assets, Mary Lee consults with businesses on strategy. She is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership Conference. Her personal urnaround came as a stay-at-home mother with four children under seven-years-old who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where she earned success to support her family. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation, Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting. Areas of Specialty: Strategic Planning / Board Development / Healthcare / Public Relations / Goal Setting / Meeting Facilitation / Training / Leadership / Time Management / Life/Career Transition. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.

Day #56: The Feeling You Are Afraid to Feel is Running Your Life

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executive coaching, how to release fear, how to uncover fear, I'm afraid. What do I do?, Mary Lee Gannon, positive affirmations to change your life, Rid yourself of fear., starting over now, the feeling you are afraid to feel is running your life

365 Ways to Get Results: Day # 56 – The Feeling You Are Afraid to Feel is Running Your Life

Fight or Flight – you’ve certainly experienced it. Your heart rate and blood pressure elevate. Several hormones are then released into the bloodstream – the most significant being epinephrine or adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones temporarily boost your ability to focus, remember and react spontaneously. But once the intensity reaches a certain level these drop off and concentration, mood and flexibility are compromised.

Many people say they work well under pressure – for a while. They are on the adrenaline rush. Research supports, however, that prolonged exposure to stress results in a decline in physical, cognitive and affective wellbeing. And then it gets ugly.

Recently I had the privilege to spend some time with Author and Coach Rhonda Britten of
Fearless Living and the former national television program “Starting Over.” She profoundly stressed something that I believe is the root of much unhappiness, anxiety and tension in the world, “The feeling you are afraid to feel is running your life.”

Think about it. When you react badly it is generally when you feel pressured, threatened, stressed, overwhelmed, unhappy, frustrated, depressed, etc. All of these are avoidance symptoms. They are what bubbles up within you when you are protecting yourself from something that is a part of you which you don’t want to confront. In the face of stress, you may find that you overreact, lash out, cry, are overly defensive, act irresponsibly, withdraw, ignore or any other of the avoidance behaviors. When the dust settles you feel shamed and beat yourself up with “Why did I do that? I know better than that.” Unfortunately reacting rashly when stressed inhibits your effectiveness in work, love and family relationships, friendships, and social encounters. Thus you become less respected, effective, understood, revered and content.

So how do you fix it? There are many effective methods to reduce stress – more than I can list here. But they are only a band aid over the bigger issue – what are you really afraid of? You can’t let go of something that you haven’t defined.

There are a number of articles on my web site on fear at http://www.startingovernow.com. Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreement holds two Agreements that I think are the biggest reasons we end up feeling anxious and afraid. He wisely advises us: “Don’t take anything personally,” and “Don’t make assumptions.” Our life experience has led us to internalize our own and other people’s perceptions of us which leads to negative head trash like, “They’ll think I can’t do it.” I’ll end up alone.” “I never get a break.” “He doesn’t really care about me.”

In order to eliminate the head trash you must learn not to eliminate your fears – that is impossible – but to co-exist with them.

Uncover Your Fear

1. Pay attention to your reactions. When do you react badly? Is it when you feel someone is challenging your performance? Is it when your loved one makes plans without you? Is it when someone challenges your perspective? Is it when someone is behaving hypocritically? If you are not sure keep a list and write down when this has happened and exactly how you felt at the moment you started behaving outside of your authentic self.

2. Imagine yourself right smack dab in the middle of that critical moment when you lost it. Just before you said or did that thing that you regret, totally immerse yourself in the situation – all of the negativity, judgment, insensitivity, assault language, feelings of abandonment, your own insecurity, and anxiousness. Now flash freeze everyone and everything in place. Nothing and no one is moving, breathing or talking. The silence is deafening. You are the only one freely moving, inhaling and exhaling, and thinking at this point.

3. What is your fear saying to you? At that moment the only sound you can hear is fear. It is trying to protect you, however negative it is – what is it trying to protect you from? This is not yet your true fear. But listen to what it is saying.

4. Ask yourself if the answer to #3 comes true, “What will that mean?” What would happen is the worst case scenario if what you thought you feared came true? This is what you are truly afraid of. This is where you feel devalued and threatened. This is what send you over the edge outside of yourself.

How to Release the Fear

5. Clear the Chaos. Now imagine that all of the negative energy in the room as well as your fear is like a shower curtain around you – all of the feelings of rejection, abandonment, judgment, inadequacy etc. Gently reach up and move that shower curtain aside and along with it all of that negative energy.

6. What do you think the people left in the room fear? Look at the people before you. They are behaving as a result of a feeling. What is that feeling? What could their fears be?

7. How can you serve them better? Focus on their needs instead of yours. This will take the anxiety out of the situation and give you a purpose that is not in reaction to your own fear but in service to the fear of others. You’ll feel valued. Not devalued.

8. What percentage chance does your true fear have of occurring? Post this number with the percent sign next to it where you can see it every day. Look at it and realize that what you fear has only that chance of occurring.

Now that you understand what you are truly afraid of, live with it. Understand that it is not your authentic self but a voice outside of yourself trying to protect you. Woosh it aside like the shower curtain when you notice it and assure it, “I can handle it.” Start now!

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Follow Mary Lee Gannon on Facebook, LinkedIn or on Twitter.

Get Mary Lee’s tips on Kick Out Head Trash – Bring in Positive Affirmations on her Articles and Tip Sheets page.

Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com – Leading Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations. With more than 16 years of experience as a CEO of organizations with up to $26 million in assets, Mary Lee consults with businesses on strategy. She is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership Conference. Her personal urnaround came as a stay-at-home mother with four children under seven-years-old who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where she earned success to support her family. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation, Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting. Areas of Specialty: Strategic Planning / Board Development / Healthcare / Public Relations / Goal Setting / Meeting Facilitation / Training / Leadership / Time Management / Life/Career Transition. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.