Day #37 – The Boundaries Are Yours to Draw – What is One Thing You Can Do Today?

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Day #37 – The Boundaries Are Yours to Draw – What is One Thing You Can Do Today?

People fear three things in life – death, pain and abandonment. Most emotional pain comes from the fear of being alone. Anger, resentment, frustration, being let down, and hurt all come from the worry of having no one on whom you can rely and trust. In an extreme case you sense as if the people you love have forsaken you. You may believe you have few, if any options, and have no way out. This paralyzes you from taking action that moves you forward.

There is no wonder why you feel trapped by the despair of these feelings – because to undo them relies on someone other than yourself to remedy your pain. And that is completely outside of your influence – even more frustrating.

As loving people we give love and receive love with a childlike openness and vulnerability that often is not reciprocated on our terms. Then when we experience hurt or are let down by someone we often shut off our ability to love because the pain associated with the risk of having our heart injured is too great. This results in an overall numbness to all emotions – even joy. Not healthy.

How do you take back the control of you own inner peace? Establish boundaries on your terms and no one else’s. When you give of yourself, give for the joy of giving with no expectation of anything in return for that is what it is to have an open heart. If giving that way brings you positive emotions such as joy, fulfillment and happiness then continuing to do so will generally further these emotions. If you find that giving of yourself brings you negative emotions such as disappointment, sorrow, resentment, and despair then you need to define a self preserving boundary and change your own behavior – not wait for someone else to change theirs in order for you to feel happy. You might consider changing your availability to that person, have an honest discussion about your feelings with them, or offer your energy in another direction until you see things more clearly. Basically you are defining the scope of what is healthy and not healthy for you. Awaiting someone else to meet your needs is not the answer. Your behavior will tell them what they need to do to gain your respect. If they don’t want your respect, you’ll know that by their reaction.

When you feel trapped in the head trash of your own negative emotions and feel as if there is no way to escape them define one simple thing that YOU can do today that will take you one step closer to peace. Just one thing. You might call a friend, update your resume, get expert advice, research something online. Then tomorrow take one more active step in a similar direction. This way you will start to take back ownership of your own destiny and not feel as if the boundary of your happiness is outside of your control. Start now!

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Mary Lee Gannon is the president of Gannon Group – an executive coaching and consulting firm that produces higher individual and organizational performance through Executive Leadership Coaching, Fundraising Coaching, Organizational Development, Board Retreats, Visioning, and Planning. Mary Lee’s personal turnaround came as a stay-at-home mother, with four children under seven-years-old, who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where within a short time she worked up to the level of CEO. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.

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Feel the Fear – How to Build Confidence

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“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” ~ Dale Carnegie

Self-confidence is a mindset whereby you are certain that you can tackle any challenge for a better outcome because you know how to go about it strategically. Notice this does not suggest that you will always get it right – nor that you will get their without consequence. But you know that you can handle the situation because you have the tools.

So what are the tools? Simple. Think back to everything you feared as a child – first day of school, fitting in with new friends, not making the team, disappointing your parents. Did any of these things kill you? Of course not. Emotionally hurt you? Probably. But did the outcome of any of these permanently stop you from tackling the challenge again – starting a first day at work, fitting in with new friends, trying out for another team or competing in an activity, or striving for the approval of your parents. I suspect not.

Top 2 Tools for Building Self Confidence

1.) Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

It may be safe to say that the first tool to building self-confidence is to know that in your past you have already “felt the fear and did it anyway.” Don’t fear the fear. Fear is only a paralyzing emotion when it becomes the ONLY emotion or in the very least the overriding emotion. So the tool to use when you feel fear or doubt yourself is to accept that fear is an emotion that you feel today just as you feel love for those you care about, joy in the good work of yourself and others and sadness for those who suffer. But if fear rises to the top of these emotions it is time to take the energy that fear riles in you and use that energy to get excited about your ultimate goal – feeling good about what you are about to do. You have tackled fears before and survived. Concentrate on what you will feel like when you have accomplished your goal. Feel it in your body. Listen to what your voice will sound like. It’s grand!

2.) Stay in Your Own Head

Don’t take on the perception of others. You can only deliver information, presentations, outcomes etc. from your own perspective – from what you are thinking – not from what others are thinking. If your fear is public speaking, build your confidence by erasing the head trash vision of a poor performance and replace it with the feeling of having performed well. Fear is felt because you saw yourself from another person’s eyes underperforming. Get outside of their head and back into your own head. Concentrate on being behind your own eyes and feeling the adrenaline rush from having done well. Envision yourself at the end of the journey having succeeded. Sketch that vision on paper and hang it where you will see it everyday to remind yourself of the positive vision and feeling. Make a list of the advantages of taking the productive risk that you’ve been avoiding. Focus on the positive outcome and feeling that success will bring you.

Daily Activities that Build Confidence (Remember a habit takes 21 days to form.)

1.) Dress Sharp. You ARE sharp. Confident people take care of themselves.
2.) Look Only Straight Ahead When You Walk. You will never be able to smile at people when you are looking at your shoes.
3.) Walk at a Brisk Pace. After all, you have a lot to do and your time is valuable.
4.) Keep a Journal. In this journal concentrate on what limitations you may be placing on yourself that keep you from your ultimate goal. List your strengths. Evaluate why others may not have identified all of your strengths.
5.) Stand Up and Sit Up Straight Like You’ve Swallowed a Poker. What you think about people who are slouched over? How did John F. Kennedy stand? What did you think of his confidence?
6.) Be Grateful. Make a list of your family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, colleagues, interests, talents, pets etc. Then list next to each one why you are grateful that they are in your life. This makes a great journal entry.
7.) Volunteer. Volunteering is a great way to learn a new skill and meet new people while making a meaningful difference.
8.) Read Something New. Learn about something that interests you for which you never thought you had the time.
9.) Speak Slowly. I have seen people who truly do not have a lot to say gain attention at a table full of people just by speaking slowly. Don’t forget the power of the pause.
10.) Know Your Elevator Speech. Be able to describe in 30 seconds what you do and why it is needed.
11.) Sit in the Front Row and Speak Up. People who do not want to be noticed sit in the back.
12.) Exercise and Eat Healthy. You know to do this anyway, right? Why does this suggestion appear in all programs for improvement? Because it is essential.

The most important thing you can do to build your confidence is to take action. Write down your fears. Acknowledge them and ask yourself why they are so prevalent. Write down what you can do to tackle them. Start now!

“Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face.” ~ Helen Keller

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Mary Lee Gannon is a cultural turnaround and leadership expert who went from being a stay-at-home mother with four children to a difficult marriage, divorce, homelessness, and welfare to CEO. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available on Amazon.com and details how she went from an earning capacity of $27,000 annually to president and CEO within just a few years. Visit her Web site at http://www.StartingOverNow.com.

Surround Yourself With People Who Have Your Weaknesses as Their Strengths

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I have done a number of radio interviews for my new book “Starting Over – 25 Rules When You’ve Bottomed Out” (on Amazon.com) and what strikes me about people in this economy aside from the fact that they are realizing unemployment at a staggering high of 10.2%, is that they are indeed inspired to re-create their lives in spite of great challenge. I applaud this energy and forward thinking that is indigenous to people today. This is still an era for hope and dreams. Opportunity still abounds. We are a society where hard work still pays off if it is channeled in a strategic way. I truly believe that, as I did, you can become anything you set your mind to: as long as you are dedicated to two things: 1) you are fearless not reckless, and 2) you ask questions or figure it out.

I wrote the book to help guide the fearless energy of dedicated people with answers to the roadblocks that have been keeping them from success. What I learned from the people I profiled who had overcome immeasurable odds to realize triumph is that passion for success is not enough. You must strategize a career move as seriously as you planned a career choice. You must focus on prescriptive exercises, methods and action steps that will guide you to a new tomorrow.

Here are some of the tips from my book that helped me go from public assistance to CEO: Begin with a “Success Sketch” and Hang It Where You Will See It Everyday, Surround Yourself with People Whose Strengths are Your Weaknesses and Give Away the Glory, Make Your “Wheel of Fortune” Spin on Balance, Offer Solutions to Problems – Name the Company’s Pain, It’s Not Who You Know – It’s Who Knows You, It is Important to Fail Early, Start Everyday As If It Were the Last Day Before Vacation, and When Everything is Negotiable Everybody Wins.

Below is an excerpt from “Starting Over”:

Human nature calls us to surround ourselves with people like ourselves. That’s great if you are talking about with whom you’ll watch the football game or sit with at the pool. We are comfortable around people like ourselves. But if you are talking about change that will bring about a greater good for you and those around you, you need to define your weaknesses and then surround yourself with people who fill in those gaps. They may not be the people you call when you want a sympathetic ear. But my guess is that you will need a sympathetic ear less often if you are successful in what you do thus leaving more time to be with true friends.

Think about it, if you are wonderfully creative and a risk taker you probably front run in the innovative aspects of your work and life. But you may not have clear processes and accountability in line when you are being innovative. As a matter of fact you probably let things slip through the cracks because you forget about the details or aren’t even aware that they needed attention. Surround yourself with people who can help you strike a good balance between innovation and structure. Often times in a marriage one spouse will be creative and less structured and they will find a spouse that is more left brained and organized. A good balance is a bonus.

Or you may be very organized and methodical and are the person that provides the information needed to make clear and concise decisions. But the path those decisions lead may not be clear to you. The pitfalls and risks may seem too great to move forward. If that is the case, surround yourself with creative energy that is able to articulate the affects of different scenarios.

Let’s assume that you have the right people around you and you are poised to succeed. Goals need to be defined in order to meet success. You can’t get somewhere if you don’t know where you are going. Chances are that the main goal you want to achieve is going to remain your goal unless you can involve the team in setting and defining the parameters of the goal. If you engage the team in the goal setting process, they will want to be a part of the success and work harder toward it. Let them own the rewards of the team’s success.

Once you reach your team’s goal do you feel as if you have done a great job? No. The team did a great job. You were simply the leader.

Just because you lead a team does not mean that you solely own the team’s success. The team owns the success. As a matter of fact, I suggest that you give away the glory of the success solely to the team. “I want to thank all of you for the work that you did to make this possible. Your outstanding dedication to the mission at hand is what made this happen.”

Being able to motivate people is one of the best skills you can have. It will multiply your effectiveness. It will engage people to buy. It will engage people to follow you. It will engage people to trust you. It will engage people to help you. The single best way to motivate people that I know of is to continue to reinforce their positive contribution by applauding them personally. Validate their efforts. Giving them the glory is an excellent way to do this. And do so publicly.

As my former hospital president once told me, “What do you care if others get the credit? You are measured by what it is that you can accomplish. If you can motivate others to help you get there, you don’t need the credit. The results are what matters.”

Surround yourself with people who not only have your weaknesses as their strengths; surround yourself with people from whom you can learn to be a better leader.

Rule Break: Employers give personality profile tests to prospective hires in order to tell their strengths and weaknesses. Interviewees are used to these tests and know what an employer is looking to see. If you truly want to get to know someone in any situation, ask him or her open-ended questions that are behavioral in nature and will give you insight into how they respond to unanticipated situations. “What was the biggest disappointment in your life – both personal and professional and how did you deal with it?” “What was the most gratifying thing that ever happened to you?” “What is the culture of your corporation?” “What was the best compliment you ever received?” “What was the worst criticism?”

I applaud you for being dedicated to constantly improving your career and personal choices. That is what makes you not ordinary but exceptional.

If you feel my book may help you on your journey, you may find it at Amazon.com.

And if you find the book helpful, please feel free to write your comments in the “Review” section of the books page on Amazon.com. Best wishes for continued success!

Mary Lee Gannon is a cultural turnaround and leadership expert who went from being a stay-at-home mother with four children living in an unpalatable marriage behind the facade of a country club life to the reality of divorce, homelessness, and welfare. As a national guest speaker she demonstrates turn-around strategies that transform corporate cultures and took her from an earning capacity of $27,000 to the president and CEO of a hospital foundation. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores and on Amazon.com.