Day #58: Let Go of Expectations – “If only you would…”

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365 Ways to Get Results: Day #58: Let Go of Expectations – “If only you would…”

Expectations. We hold them unconsciously under wraps until they are unmet. When they bubble their discontented heads into reality they cause resistance – decentering us from our peace and productivity. We feel irritated by friends or co-workers who don’t align with our opinion. We suffer betrayal by family who make choices we don’t agree with? We experience frustration over colleagues who don’t respect boundaries? And then relationships unravel. Toxic for others and toxic for you.

Expectations are not needs. True needs are very few. Expectations are limitless imagined realities that provide a perceived sense of security. If we get what we expect then we will be happy. The problem is that imagined realities involve entities that are out of our control: other people, career transitions, financial demands, health concerns and much more. When expectations are high and unmet, people feel as if they are losing control and often become demanding or are labeled “perfectionists.”

The fear here is that lowering the bar of expectations will compromise happiness, self-worth, and lower other people’s opinions of you. That is fiction and couldn’t be more counterproductive. Research shows that perfectionism increases stress which reduces performance, makes you hard on yourself, and detaches you from personal relationships.

A lighthouse stands firmly anchored on the jetty and doesn’t expect the sea to rise and fall to its rhythm. The lighthouse warns of the perilous rocks but doesn’t blame the ship that cannot steer clear in the storm. Neither does it rage when the sea is calm and its use thereby nullified.

Expectations are an internal drive based on external standards. Expectations indicate your desire to control the path and opinions of others and what is outside of your control. So this “yearning” you feel is interpreted as “lacking” which leads you into the “victim mode.” When you are in this mode others sense your projection of your unhappiness on them and may feel threatened, condemned, cornered or as if they are not a priority to you because of your other focuses. You tell yourself, “If you were good at your job you would….” “If you loved me you would…” Then others disconnect from you, react defensively and are unsupportive – exactly what you don’t want. Or you feel as if you are always trying to prove that you are the best or perfect, allowing external drivers to qualify your worth and never fully experiencing fulfillment. Thus you feel more and more like an over-giving victim. Dreadful.

What if your goal was no longer to “keep up” or have others “measure up” but for you to “open up?” Get out of your head and return to your heart.

How to Let Go of Expectations

1. Let go of faulty assumptions. Success, love, fulfillment, and peace are not only defined in one way. Others need not agree with your definition of these. If these are defined in your head by what you think the standards are as set by others you will feel an insatiable gluttony in trying to meet them.

2. Put down the hoops. Holding up hoops for yourself or others to jump through in order to feel worthy, loved, and successful is exhausting. You will never be satisfied.

3. Define your standards on your own terms. Don’t disrespect your own good judgment and subordinate what you know to be reasonable. Define the standards of what you need to feel fulfilled, successful, and loved from behind your own eyes and not from the view of outside eyes looking at you. Don’t allow your unhappiness to be someone else’s fault or think they are responsible to make you happy.

4. Get out of your head and define your needs in your heart while nobody is watching. Sit quietly and ask yourself, “What is it for me to be ________? (Successful, a good parent, a good manager, a leader, loved.) Before you answer, imagine that you are behind your own eyes looking out – not looking at yourself. Allow only answers that begin with “I am” or “I feel” statements.

5. Be curious and assume the best. When it comes to yourself, ask yourself who you are trying to please. The standard should be set by your own value system. If someone lets you down, drop the expectation and listen for the specific fear that is precipitating their behavior. What is their value system? How is it threatened?

6. Recognize the consequences of not changing your perspective. What has being a perfectionist cost you? What relationships have been compromised from your expectations? Can you afford to keep doing it the same way?

Blessed is the person who knows his or her limits. Life is not a series of black and white choices. Allow the shades of gray to become vibrant with color as you turn “shoulds” and “musts” into open ended dialogue while assuming the best. Start now!

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Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com – Leading Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations. With more than 16 years of experience as a CEO of organizations with up to $26 million in assets, Mary Lee consults with businesses on strategy. She is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership Conference. Her personal urnaround came as a stay-at-home mother with four children under seven-years-old who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where she earned success to support her family. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation, Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting. Areas of Specialty: Strategic Planning / Board Development / Healthcare / Public Relations / Goal Setting / Meeting Facilitation / Training / Leadership / Time Management / Life/Career Transition. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.

Day #57: Rid Your Fears Before It Costs You Dearly

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365 Ways to Get Results: Day #57- Rid Your Fears Before It Costs You Dearly

Fear. It cripples communication. It manipulates relationships. It halts progress. It stifles frank feedback. It turns otherwise kind and gentle people into angry souls. It impedes forward movement within organizations. It is the single greatest issue that keeps people from what they truly want – loving relationships, achievement, peace, a sense of belonging, financial success and a sense of purpose.

Fear is the reason otherwise intelligent individuals hear constructive criticism and feel threatened. Fear transforms well healed organizations into cultures that breed passive aggressiveness, bureaucracy, and cynicism. Fear prods people who want the richness of intimacy to detach in exchange for distanced mediocrity. It triggers people to hold onto ailments, a tired opinion, complaints and the past as opposed to letting go for new opportunities.

Most people fear three basic things in life: pain, death and abandonment. Most of the reactive bad behavior in the world is a result of the fear of abandonment. It manifests itself in a feeling of rejection and not fitting in. It reveals anger and detachment when control is lost. It is why some people enable others, stay in bad relationships, and reject change. Many times your fear is not reality.

To rid yourself of fears – start by understanding them before you react badly. Most fears are really an anxiety of a perceived fear. Comprehensively map out your fears (and the fears behind the fears.) Do you fear disappointing others? If you disappointed someone, how would they perceive you? Do you fear being overwhelmed? If you became overwhelmed what would happen next? Do you fear public speaking? What would happen if you gave a speech that people didn’t like?

Your fears will lose power by acknowledging them because then they no longer seem like an outside influence – but an internal part of you. And you will realize your fears are unlikely to occur anyway. They are just a protection mechanism – you manifesting anxiety to protect yourself from a perceived fear.

You can rationalize through fear issues by way of internal dialogue. Ask yourself, what is the actual chance that your fear will happen? What percentage of the time is that likely to occur? How likely is it that you will disappoint someone? What is the likelihood that you will give a bad speech if you are prepared? The percentage of likelihood is generally very low.

Discuss your realization with others. This will further imbed what you are learning in your mind.

Don’t let fear cripple your goals. Hold yourself accountable to a friend for your progress on your fears. Watch how it frees you to enjoy new opportunities. Start now!

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em>Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com – Leading Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations. With more than 16 years of experience as a CEO of organizations with up to $26 million in assets, Mary Lee consults with businesses on strategy. She is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership Conference. Her personal urnaround came as a stay-at-home mother with four children under seven-years-old who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where she earned success to support her family. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation, Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting. Areas of Specialty: Strategic Planning / Board Development / Healthcare / Public Relations / Goal Setting / Meeting Facilitation / Training / Leadership / Time Management / Life/Career Transition. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.

Day #56: The Feeling You Are Afraid to Feel is Running Your Life

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365 Ways to Get Results: Day # 56 – The Feeling You Are Afraid to Feel is Running Your Life

Fight or Flight – you’ve certainly experienced it. Your heart rate and blood pressure elevate. Several hormones are then released into the bloodstream – the most significant being epinephrine or adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones temporarily boost your ability to focus, remember and react spontaneously. But once the intensity reaches a certain level these drop off and concentration, mood and flexibility are compromised.

Many people say they work well under pressure – for a while. They are on the adrenaline rush. Research supports, however, that prolonged exposure to stress results in a decline in physical, cognitive and affective wellbeing. And then it gets ugly.

Recently I had the privilege to spend some time with Author and Coach Rhonda Britten of
Fearless Living and the former national television program “Starting Over.” She profoundly stressed something that I believe is the root of much unhappiness, anxiety and tension in the world, “The feeling you are afraid to feel is running your life.”

Think about it. When you react badly it is generally when you feel pressured, threatened, stressed, overwhelmed, unhappy, frustrated, depressed, etc. All of these are avoidance symptoms. They are what bubbles up within you when you are protecting yourself from something that is a part of you which you don’t want to confront. In the face of stress, you may find that you overreact, lash out, cry, are overly defensive, act irresponsibly, withdraw, ignore or any other of the avoidance behaviors. When the dust settles you feel shamed and beat yourself up with “Why did I do that? I know better than that.” Unfortunately reacting rashly when stressed inhibits your effectiveness in work, love and family relationships, friendships, and social encounters. Thus you become less respected, effective, understood, revered and content.

So how do you fix it? There are many effective methods to reduce stress – more than I can list here. But they are only a band aid over the bigger issue – what are you really afraid of? You can’t let go of something that you haven’t defined.

There are a number of articles on my web site on fear at http://www.startingovernow.com. Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreement holds two Agreements that I think are the biggest reasons we end up feeling anxious and afraid. He wisely advises us: “Don’t take anything personally,” and “Don’t make assumptions.” Our life experience has led us to internalize our own and other people’s perceptions of us which leads to negative head trash like, “They’ll think I can’t do it.” I’ll end up alone.” “I never get a break.” “He doesn’t really care about me.”

In order to eliminate the head trash you must learn not to eliminate your fears – that is impossible – but to co-exist with them.

Uncover Your Fear

1. Pay attention to your reactions. When do you react badly? Is it when you feel someone is challenging your performance? Is it when your loved one makes plans without you? Is it when someone challenges your perspective? Is it when someone is behaving hypocritically? If you are not sure keep a list and write down when this has happened and exactly how you felt at the moment you started behaving outside of your authentic self.

2. Imagine yourself right smack dab in the middle of that critical moment when you lost it. Just before you said or did that thing that you regret, totally immerse yourself in the situation – all of the negativity, judgment, insensitivity, assault language, feelings of abandonment, your own insecurity, and anxiousness. Now flash freeze everyone and everything in place. Nothing and no one is moving, breathing or talking. The silence is deafening. You are the only one freely moving, inhaling and exhaling, and thinking at this point.

3. What is your fear saying to you? At that moment the only sound you can hear is fear. It is trying to protect you, however negative it is – what is it trying to protect you from? This is not yet your true fear. But listen to what it is saying.

4. Ask yourself if the answer to #3 comes true, “What will that mean?” What would happen is the worst case scenario if what you thought you feared came true? This is what you are truly afraid of. This is where you feel devalued and threatened. This is what send you over the edge outside of yourself.

How to Release the Fear

5. Clear the Chaos. Now imagine that all of the negative energy in the room as well as your fear is like a shower curtain around you – all of the feelings of rejection, abandonment, judgment, inadequacy etc. Gently reach up and move that shower curtain aside and along with it all of that negative energy.

6. What do you think the people left in the room fear? Look at the people before you. They are behaving as a result of a feeling. What is that feeling? What could their fears be?

7. How can you serve them better? Focus on their needs instead of yours. This will take the anxiety out of the situation and give you a purpose that is not in reaction to your own fear but in service to the fear of others. You’ll feel valued. Not devalued.

8. What percentage chance does your true fear have of occurring? Post this number with the percent sign next to it where you can see it every day. Look at it and realize that what you fear has only that chance of occurring.

Now that you understand what you are truly afraid of, live with it. Understand that it is not your authentic self but a voice outside of yourself trying to protect you. Woosh it aside like the shower curtain when you notice it and assure it, “I can handle it.” Start now!

Email this link to a friend.

Follow Mary Lee Gannon on Facebook, LinkedIn or on Twitter.

Get Mary Lee’s tips on Kick Out Head Trash – Bring in Positive Affirmations on her Articles and Tip Sheets page.

Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com – Leading Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations. With more than 16 years of experience as a CEO of organizations with up to $26 million in assets, Mary Lee consults with businesses on strategy. She is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership Conference. Her personal urnaround came as a stay-at-home mother with four children under seven-years-old who endured a divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to public assistance from where she earned success to support her family. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation, Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting. Areas of Specialty: Strategic Planning / Board Development / Healthcare / Public Relations / Goal Setting / Meeting Facilitation / Training / Leadership / Time Management / Life/Career Transition. Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon. Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.